I am a little bit "kalaafe" these days. I am done with the exams but I have got a lot of homeworks to deliver. However, this is not the problem.

This feeling of "kalaafegi" is present everywhere and all the time. I don't know how to explain it. I am ok when I am programming or reading books. But as soon as there comes an interrupt, the feeling suddenly attacks again.

I had promised to little marjoon that everything was going to be perfect as soon as the exams were over, but the truth is that everything is going more complicated and she is gonna face a terrible year, this year.

I've been reading the book Funny in Farsi by Firoozeh Dumas, which is "A Memoir of Growing Up Iranian in America" . The book is funny and interesting enough to follow nonstop. Living with parents in USA has its own problems as living with them in Iran and living without them is yet another confusion.

Today, A. told me that I am just running away from my family by leaving abroad. He said I can fight to gain more freedom here. But I said that I can't bear hurting my mother with even a single word against her will. "But you'll hurt her so deep by leaving her, the only difference is that you'll not see her hurt that way" he answered.

I know it's true that my departure will upset maman. But at the same time, she is one of the people who is urging me to do my best to leave. What I am running from, is not my family, is the government, is Police, is the bigoted people, is the discriminations against women.

It is true that there are a lot of people walking in streets, shopping, eating and enjoying their time, but I can no longer be allured by living a life of luxury while there is a lot of dirt lying beneath. Buying expensive clothes and eating in expensive restaurants and going out with friends no longer satisfies me.

I hate going out with a god damn scarf, I hate meeting guys who think are the most perfect creatures of the world and call me a "zaeefe" , I hate sitting in car when the driver insults the female drivers all the time, I hate professors that either are ready to f u right away in their office because they have married their wife with no love, but tradition, or they just won't look me in the eye because they are one of those crazy religious bigots. Yes I hate. I hate to get married in a country that I should deliver an evidence of virginity to my mother-in-law , or my my mother-in-law is gonna kiss my mouth to see if it stinks or not. Damn you. God damn you people.


If my parents are worried about me, if they ban me from going out late, if they check out on me all the time, it is not because they are affected by prejudice, it is just because they wanna save me against these people, this dirty society, bigots and the Police. If I was a mother here, I would do the same to my daughter too, in a city that the Police are criminals themselves, how one can trust to let her daughter go out alone?


Yes. A. was right repeating : I wont let this happen to my children...